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When the boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for chuck norris

Chuck norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush

Chuck norris doesn't wear a watch HE decides what time it is

Chuck norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck norris can count to infinity. twice.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded 12 guage shotgun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Whats known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 12.8 seconds.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions cry

Chuck norris does not sleep. he waits.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune in 1964 and was the first to spin. They are still waiting for the wheel to slow down.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.